This song is called “Dwight Moves”. It’s to the tune of Bob Seger’s “Night Moves”, and it is awesome.
8 Things Michael Phelps Can Finally Do Now That He’s Retired
Watch every episode of The Wire. Then re-watch every episode and finally figure out where Bubbles got his nickname.
Read that book everyone’s talking about, assuming “everyone” is a bunch of losers too scared to read the Penthouse Letters in public.
Travel to exotic lands, like Liverpool, where the Subway franchises apparently double as Thanksgiving cornucopias even though the British hate Thanksgiving.
Get into politics. With Heath Shuler retiring, Phelps can take his Former Athlete spot in the House, and hopefully benefit from his wisdom, assuming Phelps is also a Democrat and isn’t interested in learning the proper footwork for a seven-step drop.
Acting. He can’t be any worse at that than this person is at Photoshop.
Become The Bachelor, so he can finally enter into a stable relationship with a totally sane woman, and our friend Ben Robinson can make fun of him on Batchslap.com, your source for all Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad needs.
Fuck yes hanging out with Lil Wayne.
Smokin’ kush and chasin’ Bush.
