The Sports Will Rock You

This song is called “Dwight Moves”. It’s to the tune of Bob Seger’s “Night Moves”, and it is awesome.

Dwight Harry Potter

Phelps! To the tune of Help! by the Beatles.

8 Things Michael Phelps Can Finally Do Now That He’s Retired

Phelps WireWatch every episode of The Wire. Then re-watch every episode and finally figure out where Bubbles got his nickname.

Phelps 50 ShadesRead that book everyone’s talking about, assuming “everyone” is a bunch of losers too scared to read the Penthouse Letters in public.

Subway

Travel to exotic lands, like Liverpool, where the Subway franchises apparently double as Thanksgiving cornucopias even though the British hate Thanksgiving.

Phelps Politics

Get into politics. With Heath Shuler retiring, Phelps can take his Former Athlete spot in the House, and hopefully benefit from his wisdom, assuming Phelps is also a Democrat and isn’t interested in learning the proper footwork for a seven-step drop.

Phelps TeletubbyActing. He can’t be any worse at that than this person is at Photoshop.

Phelps Bachelor

Become The Bachelor, so he can finally enter into a stable relationship with a totally sane woman, and our friend Ben Robinson can make fun of him on Batchslap.com, your source for all Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad needs.

Phelps Lil Wayne

Fuck yes hanging out with Lil Wayne.

Phelps Kush Bush

Smokin’ kush and chasin’ Bush.

It’s so true we all need to be careful

It’s so true we all need to be careful

Knicks fans’ hearts are broken.

Knicks fans’ hearts are broken.

DON’T CRY NEW YORK CITY! REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES!