THE NFL DRAFT DRINKING DRINKING GAME! (AND THEME SONG!)
Welcome to the NFL Draft Drinking Drinking Game. No, that’s not a misprint — there really is that much drinking. So much, in fact, that while the below list of situations is hardly exhaustive, you might want to pick and choose which rules you’ll follow, or you’ll be drinking every five seconds, for five seconds at a time, so for all practical purposes you’ll always be drinking.
The rules are based on general situations that could happen any year, or at least until they start filling NFL rosters with robots. That means you can play the game again next year, or go back in time and play it last year, which would be even more fun, because then you could prank call the Jaguars war room and tell them to definitely take that quarterback from Missouri with the 2(X)IST underwear model hair.
What You’ll Need
Tons of beer. Various different hard liquors, preferably involving multiple colors. A package of cheap supermarket sushi. Your choice of burning-hot condiments. A tally sheet to keep track of the total number of experts who appear on your TV screen. A trashcan.
Section One: Typical Situations
Take one drink of beer the first two times these subjects come up, and one shot on the third — then start over again with beer (note: the following are superseded by Experts Speak rules and Special Situations rules)
1. A player’s religious faith
2. Tim Tebow (typically overlaps with #1, but then again, Larry Centers got baptized at the Pro Bowl)
3. Peyton Manning
4. The fluidity of a cornerback’s hips
5. Motor player
6. NFL pedigree (double consumption if that pedigree is alleged to make NFL success more likely)
7. Lack of prototypical size
8. A DE/LB being a tweener
9. A 3-4 nose tackle also being suitable to play the 4-3
10. Kiper’s hair being Kiper’s hair
11. Arm length
13. A system that has/has not prepared a player for NFL success
14. Good fundamentals
15. Probability that a player will make a good H-back or Wildcat quarterback even though everybody now knows the Wildcat is stupid
16. Football IQ
17. A lineman’s footwork
18. “He has a chance to be an elite ___ in the NFL”
19. Selecting based on need vs “the best player on the board”
20. Someone is getting “great value” out of a pick
Section Two: The Experts Speak
A draft expert says that:
Regardless of his measurables, the game film shows that it’s clear the player is a “football player”: Whoever screams “Throwback!” first gets to pour everyone else shots. Exactly what’s in the shots isn’t important, as long as the shots get the job done, and it’s clear from the game film that they are shots.
A player is a “Throwback”: Same as above, except you have to scream “Bryce Paup”, and the shot will ideally be of something corn-based, because Bryce Paup was born on a fucking farm in Iowa.
[If, after someone is declared a “throwback” or “just a football player”, an expert says “that’s the kind of player that (insert coach here) likes”, whoever ran the fastest 40 time in high school must drink half a beer to deal with the depressing fact that (insert coach here) doesn’t give a hoot about his super-awesome measurables.]
Having played a different position in the past will help a player in the future, a.k.a., the “Ryan Tannehill used to be a receiver so he’ll be a great quarterback” situation: In honor of Matt Jones, who shockingly did not turn into a great receiver despite formerly being a quarterback, everyone must yell “Woo Pig Sooie!” and change seating positions.
A players’ character issues might cause/are causing him to drop: Everyone must a) partake of some marijuana or cocaine, b) punch someone smaller than them (sorry, smallest guy), or c) refuse to do either of those things, and instead take three sips of beer as sullenly as possibly, even though life is awesome because you’ve got all the beer you ever dreamed of.
A player is “mercurial”: First person to look up the definition of “mercurial” gets to pick the most mercurial guy in the room to chug half a beer blended with several pieces of cheap sushi, which probably has mercury in it. If it can be proven that the analyst used “mercurial” incorrectly, the selector can choose two victims, one of whom need not be mercurial at all.
A QB can make all the throws: Everybody throw an empty beer can at a trashcan. If you miss, however many feet (rounding up) your beer landed from the trashcan is the number of drinks you must take.
[This scenario is likely to arise multiple times. If you miss three times in a row, you must take 10 sips as an act of penance to #10 Chad Pennington, who despite not being able to make all the throws, could at least put a beer in a trashcan.]
Player A is as close to a surefire prospect as it gets: last person to yell “Mandarich” flips a coin. Heads he’s clear, tales he takes a shot of rock-hard liquor. If Tony Mandarich missed, anybody can miss. Especially if they’re completely jacked up on d-bol and nobody bothers to test them until they’ve already drafted them.
Player A is the highest rated prospect at his position since Player B: A + B = drink ‘til you C the bottom of whatever you’re holding.
A fellow analyst is an idiot, or words to that effect: Everybody dance like they imagine John Gruden would dance if he were in a club in Tampa back in 2002 and “Move Bitch” came on and Keyshawn was watching from a table telling Rickey Dudley “Damn that’s the last time I take Coach anywhere.”
A player is sliding: Two drinks, then do the Discount Double Check
Tebow’s Slide was the equivalent of Aaron Rodgers’ Slide: Last person to say “Josh McDaniels” has to perform an adult circumcision. If everyone is already circumcised, or if nobody thinks it’s a good idea for an untrained non-medical professional to perform a delicate surgical procedure, then the player must instead stay in a Tebowing position until the team currently on the clock goes off the clock.
A player is a reach: Last person to say “Lageman” has to pretend like he’s a logger-man and mime the act of log-rolling for two minutes, or about the amount of time Jeff Lageman started for the Jets after being picked #14. If that person insists Lageman is pronounced La-je-man, take him around back and put him out of his misery.
A player has upside: Everyone must reveal something they had the potential to achieve, but failed to, then drink as much as it takes to turn the sad back to happy.
A player is coachable: Everybody name their favorite Craig T. Nelson role besides “Zeek Braverman” on Parenthood. Yeah, he is really good in that, but he’s done other things too.
A player has poor fundamentals: Take a drink Ted-Striker-from-Airplane-style.
A player “shot up the draft board after his Combine performance”, “was a freak at the Combine”, etc: Do 26 pushups, one for each rep Boston College’s Mike Mamula did with 225lbs. Then chug a beer — optimally Sam Adams — in less than the 4.58 seconds it took Mike Mamula to run the 40.
The market for running backs isn’t what it used to be: Pair up into twos and finish a beer platoon-system style.
A lineman has a “good bubble”: The fattest guy must get in a 3pt stance for one minute so that his friends can use his giant ass as a serving tray.
Section Three: Special Situations
A discrepancy between 40 times (combine vs pro day vs private workout) is highlighted: one drink for every tenth of second difference (round up)
A senior is taken in Round 1: 4 Drinks
A War Room is shown: 2 Drinks, because like WWII, this is serious
Tears: As much spicy condiment as is necessary to make you cry
A suit with more then 3 buttons appears: One drink for every button over 3
Ryan Leaf mention: Steal the closest person’s drink
Two analysts argue even though they’re both saying the same thing: Two drinks
One analyst takes a stand against everybody else: One drink for everyone else on the panel who has to listen to him
The NFL Scandal of the Moment comes up: One drink for just a mention. Three drinks for an argument. If one expert launches into a self-righteous diatribe, the person furthest to the right must drink ‘til the diatribe stops. If the diatribe persists after the drink’s completion, the person next to him must do the same, and so on, until the diatribe is finished. If everyone finishes their drink and the diatribe is still going, enjoy a special screening of the Cincinnati Bengals singing Fear Da Tiger.
Multiple Same-Round Picks from the Same School: 2nd player = 4 drinks; 3rd player = shot associated with that school, either something traditional (Alabama Slammer), or something that seems fitting (Michigan blue could mean a shot of Hpnotiq, if you don’t have any darker-blue liquor, and you’re awesome enough to have Hpnotiq just laying around). The 4th player = two shots.
A coach makes an appearance to talk up one of his players: 2 drinks, or a shot of Charlie Weis’s favorite Irish whiskey if the coach insists his player is going to be a great pro despite what the doubters say.
A trade happens: one drink for each draft pick/player involved
The Wonderlic comes up: Last person to answer this sample test question gets sent back to middle school:
RESENT RESERVE • Do these words
1. have similar meanings, 2. have contradictory meanings, 3. mean neither the same nor opposite?
The camera painfully lingers on a “sliding” player: Drink until the painful lingering is over
A team is late with their selection: It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, man is it funny. Unless it’s your team, in which case it’s just funny that you’re a Ravens fan. In any event, if it happens this draft, each player must slap a friend in the face to startle him out of his stupor.
At the end of your session: Tally the total number of analysts, experts, gurus, etc, brought on to weigh in on various subjects, and chug for that number of seconds.